This is the wonderful time of the year when we all get to look back on our lives and reflect on what an abject failure we’ve been. Realizing this, we are then compelled to make pledges for all the wondrous strides we’ll make in the coming year. We’re all going to lose weight, exercise more, become a better parent, and get that promotion at work. But these things are hard, requiring arduous effort, like putting on pants in the morning. Besides, if I want to be lied to, I’ll just ask a girlfriend if it was good for her too. I don’t need to go out of my way lying to myself. I already do plenty of that as it is, like when I tell myself I’m good at basketball, or that this is the year the Denver Broncos finally make the playoffs.
So for this year’s resolutions I’ve decided to shake things up a bit, looking outward instead of within, and doing what we Americans do best: blame others for all our problems. So to that end, here are my New Year resolutions, and pay attention, because I’m counting on all of you to fulfill them:
I resolve that this year, everybody else will stay out of my way in traffic. Wherever I drive the cars will part like they do when Bruce becomes God in +Bruce Almighty.+ So make way, and get that baby stroller off the sidewalk. I’m driving here.
i resolve that this year Congress will stop acting like brain damaged monkeys and do something productive for a change…like stop coming to work, because I’m pretty sure government would function a whole lot better without them.
I resolve that other people will stop whining so much about their own damn problems, and start paying attention to what’s truly important: me.
I resolve that everyone else will start to see me as perfect precisely the way I am, just like my Mommy does. I’ll be smart, handsome, and wonderful in the eyes of others – all those things my Mommy told me I am when I was little. Of course, my Mommy also told me that spinach tastes yummy and that the cat my Dad ran over in his truck had run off to join the circus, but in this regard, I choose to believe she was telling the truth.
I resolve that other people, including me, will be kinder to one another. Unless you’re too lazy to put the cap back on the milk before putting it back in the fridge. Then the claws will come out.
I resolve that Krispy Kreme must devise a way to create a zero calorie doughnut that’s just as tasty as the others, so that I can stuff my face entirely without guilt and consequences until the very thought of another pastry makes me want to hurl.
I resolve that my boss will finally recognize the genius that is me, and decide that my skills would be much better utilized working from home with the salary of a Google executive. People can send me all their ideas, and I’ll take credit for the good ones that work while blaming my peasant underlings for all the bad ones that don’t, just like any other self-respecting corporate executive.
There. I feel so much better about this year’s resolutions. None of the guilt, self-loathing, or personal shame that normally comes with this exercise. Maybe you should give it a try too.
Of course, these resolutions are no doubt bound to end like all my personal ones: in abject failure after a lot of crying is involved. So why don’t we just skip the whole charade and get on with the task of taking life one day at a time.