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A Devious Twist On New Year Resolutions

Overlooked Outlook Posted on December 27, 2022 by adminDecember 27, 2022

This is the wonderful time of the year when we all get to look back on our lives and reflect on what an abject failure we’ve been. Realizing this, we are then compelled to make pledges for all the wondrous strides we’ll make in the coming year. We’re all going to lose weight, exercise more, become a better parent, and get that promotion at work. But these things are hard, requiring arduous effort, like putting on pants in the morning. Besides, if I want to be lied to, I’ll just ask a girlfriend if it was good for her too. I don’t need to go out of my way lying to myself. I already do plenty of that as it is, like when I tell myself I’m good at basketball, or that this is the year the Denver Broncos finally make the playoffs.

So for this year’s resolutions I’ve decided to shake things up a bit, looking outward instead of within, and doing what we Americans do best: blame others for all our problems. So to that end, here are my New Year resolutions, and pay attention, because I’m counting on all of you to fulfill them:

I resolve that this year, everybody else will stay out of my way in traffic. Wherever I drive the cars will part like they do when Bruce becomes God in +Bruce Almighty.+ So make way, and get that baby stroller off the sidewalk. I’m driving here.

i resolve that this year Congress will stop acting like brain damaged monkeys and do something productive for a change…like stop coming to work, because I’m pretty sure government would function a whole lot better without them.

I resolve that other people will stop whining so much about their own damn problems, and start paying attention to what’s truly important: me.

I resolve that everyone else will start to see me as perfect precisely the way I am, just like my Mommy does. I’ll be smart, handsome, and wonderful in the eyes of others – all those things my Mommy told me I am when I was little. Of course, my Mommy also told me that spinach tastes yummy and that the cat my Dad ran over in his truck had run off to join the circus, but in this regard, I choose to believe she was telling the truth.

I resolve that other people, including me, will be kinder to one another. Unless you’re too lazy to put the cap back on the milk before putting it back in the fridge. Then the claws will come out.

I resolve that Krispy Kreme must devise a way to create a zero calorie doughnut that’s just as tasty as the others, so that I can stuff my face entirely without guilt and consequences until the very thought of another pastry makes me want to hurl.

I resolve that my boss will finally recognize the genius that is me, and decide that my skills would be much better utilized working from home with the salary of a Google executive. People can send me all their ideas, and I’ll take credit for the good ones that work while blaming my peasant underlings for all the bad ones that don’t, just like any other self-respecting corporate executive.

There. I feel so much better about this year’s resolutions. None of the guilt, self-loathing, or personal shame that normally comes with this exercise. Maybe you should give it a try too.

Of course, these resolutions are no doubt bound to end like all my personal ones: in abject failure after a lot of crying is involved. So why don’t we just skip the whole charade and get on with the task of taking life one day at a time.

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Tagged improving, new year resolutions, one day at a time, resolve. life

Reflections on Life

Overlooked Outlook Posted on December 1, 2022 by adminDecember 1, 2022

“There’s a difference between a happy life and one filled with purpose. They may overlap, but they don’t always go hand in hand (think of a social activist jailed for expressing her beliefs, or a Doctors Without Borders volunteer who contracts Ebola). But even with its challenges, a meaningful life is satisfying and spiritually fulfilling.”

– Hallie Levine, writing in Yoga Journal (Feb. 2015)

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Childhood Insecurities Carried Over

Overlooked Outlook Posted on September 8, 2022 by adminSeptember 8, 2022

“Never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself … Continue reading →

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Posted in Miscellaneous, Personal Growth & Development

Porta Potty Diving

Overlooked Outlook Posted on August 9, 2022 by adminAugust 9, 2022

Have you ever had one of those really, really, really bad days? How does it measure up to the really bad day experienced by the woman I’m about to discuss? Firefighters were called to the top of Mount Walker in Washington to rescue a woman who fell headfirst into an … Continue reading →

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Tagged cell phone, humor, porta potty

Different Facts for Different Folks

Overlooked Outlook Posted on July 9, 2022 by adminJuly 9, 2022

In case you haven’t noticed, it seems Americans are living in completely separate realities these days. This isn’t all that surprising: perception is a fickle beast, dependent upon a myriad of factors. People can see the same situation in completely different ways depending on their knowledge, experience, hopes, aspirations, insecurities, … Continue reading →

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Tagged culture, history, school text books, wars

Lobsters Getting Stoned

Overlooked Outlook Posted on June 20, 2022 by adminJanuary 31, 2023

Scientists at the University of California conducted a study to get lobsters high on marijuana. Why, you might ask? Apparently, they were inspired by a restaurant owner in Maine who said she gets the creatures stoned before boiling them alive. How considerate of her. If I were about to be … Continue reading →

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Posted in Miscellaneous, Science | Tagged lobsters. stoned. drugs, marijuana. lab test

Chopping Off Your Hand Due to a Misunderstanding

Overlooked Outlook Posted on June 14, 2022 by adminJune 14, 2022

We humans are silly little creatures, and abstract beliefs rule our lives. On a routine basis, we destroy ourselves over ideas that exist only in our minds. Perhaps no incident illustrates this point better than the case of a 15-year-old Pakistani boy who cut off his own hand due to … Continue reading →

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Reflections: The Drawbacks of Too Much Confidence

Overlooked Outlook Posted on May 16, 2022 by adminMay 16, 2022

“In my whole career I’ve been passing men with greater bravado and confidence. Confidence gets you off to a fast start. Confidence gets you that first job and maybe the next two promotions. But confidence stops you from learning. Confidence becomes a caricature after a while. I can’t tell you … Continue reading →

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Three Things That Will Make You Smarter Than Your Friend

Overlooked Outlook Posted on March 29, 2022 by adminMarch 29, 2022

How much do you know about your world? Here are 3 things many people claim to know, followed by some important facts on each topic that will instantly make you smarter. Read through each one and make a mental checkmark next to each item you already knew to be true: … Continue reading →

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The God of Petty Semantics

Overlooked Outlook Posted on February 21, 2022 by adminFebruary 21, 2022

What’s in a word? Apparently a whole lot. A Catholic priest in Arizona has been forced to resign after using the “incorrect” word in baptisms he performed over decades. Andres Arango would say, “We baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy … Continue reading →

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If I'd had some set idea of a finish line, don't you think I would have crossed it years ago?
Bill Gates

Recent Posts

  • A Devious Twist On New Year Resolutions
  • Reflections on Life
  • Childhood Insecurities Carried Over
  • Porta Potty Diving
  • Different Facts for Different Folks
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