What are you looking for in a relationship? I’m guessing you’ve been asked this at some point in your life, if not by a friend then by some guru on TV or in a magazine you read. Perhaps you’ve asked this of someone else. It’s the type of question that’s become emblematic of our highly structured society, where so-called ‘experts’ are constantly suggesting that every aspect of our life has to be pre-planned and thought out, our existence approached as though it were an algebra problem in need of solving. We’re usually so busy planning and scheming that we seldom have time to live in the moment.

When it comes to love (as it does in many other areas of life), it turns out that such structured thinking may be getting in the way of finding what you’re truly looking for. This structured approach to romance may be why so many people struggle in their relationships.

Psychologist Liesel Sharabi, Ph.D., interviewed a collective of happy couples who had met their partner online. She found that among the top facts predicting romantic success was this: “They weren’t looking for only one type of relationship…and they definitely weren’t planning to get married. This made them open to dating different types of people, and allowed relationships to unfold more naturally. (*1) In other words, they didn’t go into the situation with specific goals in mind or preconceived notions about what they should find. They just set out to meet new people, letting the chips fall wherever they may.

This is a sound strategy for several reasons. First, studies show we’re notoriously bad at knowing what we want in the first place or predicting what will make us truly happy. (*2) We often find satisfaction in unlikely places, and those things we devote so much time to pursuing frequently fail to provide what we truly need. Secondly, when we’re too busy planning and scheming, focused in on what it is we presume to need, we close ourselves off to numerous opportunities. People and experiences pass right on by because we’ve set up a severely restricting filter around ourselves.

When you speak with happy couples, you’ll often hear things like, ‘But for a chance occurrence we never would have met’ or ‘He was the opposite of what I typically go for’ or ‘If I had been searching on a dating site I would have scrolled right past his profile.’ We line up a checklist of all we think we need in a partner, only to discover that the people we’re ultimately happiest with fall outside this box.

So if you’re looking for love, or jus living life in general, here’s a bit of advice; Don’t set out to try and find what you’re looking for. Go out looking to discover all you might find.

References:

1. Liesel Sharabi, “5 lessons from people who found love online,” Psychology Today, May/June 2023, p. 10

2. Daniel Gilbert, “Stumbling on Happiness.” New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2006