“Every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes, and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I’m sick of hearing ‘I love you.’ If he loved me, he would do something to help me.”
– A frustrated woman (Chapman, 2005, p. 101)

People who gravitate towards this love script operate around the principle that “actions speak louder than words.” In their mind, when you love someone, you do things for them to make their life easier. This is one of the reasons that arguments over “taking out the garbage” or “leaving dirty dishes lying around” can become so heated. It’s not just the deed itself that is at issue; it’s the symbolic meaning a person attaches to these acts. If deeds of service = love, then not taking out the garbage = you don’t love me and never have you dirty rotten pig. (A bit of a dramatization, perhaps, but you get the point.)

Women often develop this attitude if they feel they bear most of the burden when it comes to housework, but a lot of men operate heavily within this love script, too. For example, if your husband rarely says “I love you” but is always busy around the house with honey-do lists or working on your car, it’s likely he feels he is saying “I love you” over and over again through such deeds,. Since men as a whole are raised to suppress their emotional side, taking care of someone’s physical needs is often how they express their love.

Signs that your partner views deeds of service as an act of love:

1.    There’s a good chance they’ve already told you. Ever hear something like, “If you loved me, you would take out the garbage?”

2.    They’ll often complain, “How come I can’t ever get any help around here?”

3.    They tend to be busy-bodies themselves who show their support by doing things for others. If someone needs something done, they routinely volunteer.

4.    He or she takes care to ensure you are taken care of before leaving for any extended period of time.

Showing love to your partner through deeds of service

1.    Take the initiative to do something your spouse would typically do. For example, try this: Get up and do the dishes one night without being asked to, or otherwise perform some duty that eases your spouse’s workload.

2.    Make sure you’re keeping up on the little things: Taking out garbage, helping with dishes, etc. When your partner complains about something, listen carefully and realize he/she may view the situation as more dire than you do.

3.    Don’t demand acknowledgement for the things you do. This is especially hard if you happen to be the verbal appreciation type, but calling attention to your deeds undermines the idea that you do it out of love.

4.    Here is a list of simple, everyday things you can do that will express your love through deeds of
service:

·    Make a partner’s lunch

·    Pack a special treat for their lunch

·    Fill up their gas tank for them

·    Preheat the car for them

·    Bake their favorite dessert as a surprise

·    Do a chore that you know they typically dislike