People with this love style need to hear the words. In addition to the normal gestures such as “I love you,” they need to hear statements of appreciation when it comes to the things they do and the sacrifices they make. They need to hear what they mean to you. And not just once, but continually. The other spouse may feel like they sound like a broken record, but their mate needs to hear such appreciation regularly. Just like any other love style, once the affirmation disappears, so does the sense of being loved and valued.

This is one of the most common sources of contention in relationships. Marriage counselor Gary Chapman remarks that “I can’t tell you how many men and women have sat in my office over the past thirty years and said to me, ‘I work my tail off every day, yet my spouse acts like I haven’t done a thing. I never get a single word of appreciation.’” (2005, p. 100) Just about every person needs verbal affirmation to one degree or another. To those for whom this is their primary love script, the lack of it can seem catastrophic.

Signs that your partner needs verbal affirmation in order to feel loved:

1.    Your spouse says things like: “Can’t I ever get any credit?” or “A thank you would be nice just once in a while.”

2.    They tend to get passive-aggressive at times for no apparent reason.

3.    They tend to give lots of verbal affirmation in relationships at first but then withdraw quickly if others don’t reciprocate. One sign of this: Your partner tends to heap a lot of praise on friends but not as much on you anymore.

4.    They place things like saying “please” and “thank you” in high regard.

Pleasing the person who needs verbal affirmation

1.    Make a point of saying thank you when they perform little tasks that help with the family.

2.    Be sure you’re saying “I love you” on a regular basis. (See the next section)

3.    Be a broken record. If you don’t think you sound like one, then you’re probably not doing enough to make a person with this love style feel okay about the relationship.

4.    Leave little thank you notes lying around the house. These can be especially useful when you forget to say thank you at the time or when you have trouble saying it directly.

5.    Use the phrase “I like” or “I love” as much as you can:
·    I like the way you look in that dress.
·    I like the way you handled that situation.
·    I love watching you interact with the kids.
·    I liked the way dinner turned out, that was delicious.
·    I just love it when you ______________.

6.    Thankfulness or appreciation exercises are great for this situation. For example, once a year on your anniversary make a point of sitting down to write an extended letter listing all you are thankful to your spouse for. Think about both general qualities (you keep me grounded, I love your laugh, I’d be lost without you, etc.) and specific things they may have done in the past year (I appreciate the support you gave me as I started this new job). It will help keep the feelings of being loved fresh.