For this person, feelings of love are strongly tied to ideas of care and protection. Issues of loyalty may be another strong component. This style almost always emerges in women, largely because of differences in sex-role conditioning. On one hand, you’ll sometimes find this in women who had very close, strong relationships with their fathers, and so they tend to try and recreate this feeling in their romantic relationships. Yet it more commonly emerges from the other side of the coin, and you’ll see this in women who had poor or non-existent relationships with parental figures growing up. As a result, they’re obsessively looking for a man who will provide that care and protection that was absent during their childhood.

This person wants to know that you’re willing to fight for them. That you’d sacrifice for them or even give your life for them. That you’re the angel who has them tucked securely under your wing. They are turned on by protective behaviors and are unsure of your love whenever these are absent.

This love script can be somewhat pathological, in that it can be taken to unhealthy extremes. (It’s generally not too healthy to be needing a relationship structure that involves subservience to a more powerful person and dependency on that person’s care in order to feel whole.) It also frequently emerges for all the wrong reasons. So if this describes you or your partner, you may want to consider looking into it – either through therapy or the other resources we offer on this site. That said, it can also be perfectly normal to want a partner who is willing to fight to protect you, and so it doesn’t hurt to play into your lover’s desires.

Signs that your partner feels loved when you play the role of protector:

1. He or she gets upset when they feel you didn’t stick up for them.
2. They make a habit of saying provoking things to see how you’ll react (“I think Ted was flirting with me at the office today” or “Did you see the way that dude was looking at me? He was totally checking me out.”)
3. Their affectionate pet-names for you run along this theme: My hero/My big burly man/My big protective bear, etc.

How to satisfy the lover who wants to be cared for and protected:

A)    Oddly enough, feigning a little bit of jealousy (something that’s normally a destructive emotion in relationships) may be just what is needed in this circumstance. While true jealousy is often destructive, it also signals that you care enough to feel threatened by someone else. This is music to your lover’s ears; it says, “I’m going to protect against losing you to another.”

B)    The person with this love style often likes to be coddled. So anything that allows you to spoil or baby her is often a big hit.

C)    Simple gestures that can make a difference:

• Taking care of your partner when they’re sick
• Listening to their problems and being a sympathetic ear when they’ve had a tough day at work
• Giving lots of empathy and understanding
• Calling at random times throughout the day to see how they are doing
• Role play this protector theme to spice up your sex life.

D)    Become a little bit obsessive (again, in a healthy way), fussing over what he or she does.

E)    Being there when they are insecure is extremely important with this type of person. So when they are sick; they may loose a job or get yelled at by a boss; they may have a fight with a friend; or when they experience other turbulence in life; the level of care you respond with will be interpreted as a measure of your love.