So what should you do if you and your partner speak two different love languages? Reconciling this situation requires a two-pronged approach. First, each partner should get to know the others love style (something we discuss next) and try to express their love in ways that their partner desires. At the same time, the aggrieved partner(s) need to try to be a little more understanding of their spouse’s love style and learn to recognize and appreciate the expressions of love that they do exhibit.
Learning To Appreciate Your Partner’s Way of Expressing Love
“We struggle to teach others how to love us. In that struggle, we often forget how to appreciate the love they already give us only as they can give it. There are two parts to a gift – the giving and the accepting. Neither can be dictated.”
– Nancy Taylor Robson (Canfield et al., 1999, p. 42
A) Take the time to read through each of the love styles in the following sections. There’s a good chance you’ll discover that your partner has been expressing his or her love all along, simply in a style that differs from what you’ve come to expect. Knowing that people express their love differently and being able to recognize these gestures when they occur will help you feel better about your relationship. You’ll start to see expressions of love that you probably overlooked before, which will make it a lot easier to deal with shortcomings in other areas.
B) If your partner isn’t playing the tune you’d like, try to relax. When it comes to love scripts, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking: this is really important to me, and so it should be important to him, too. This is a dangerous way of thinking. The result is that we blow up failures in this regard and make them into a bigger deal than they really are.
Understand that these things are largely hardwired. Love scripts are forged in the template laid down by our earliest experiences, which means it isn’t always easy for a partner to change. At the very least it’s going to feel unnatural and uncomfortable at first. In the most stubborn of situations it may even dredge up deep-seeded insecurities.
Think about the manly-man who grew up hearing that real men don’t cry. Throughout his childhood, he was conditioned to never show any emotions (except rage and anger, of course, which fit within the “strong man” stereotype). Asking him to suddenly change and tell his wife how much he loves her or what she means to him isn’t just a simple matter of saying the words. It’s something that seems to undermine everything that resides in the core of his identity. Recognize the potential challenge involved, and be patient and understanding.
Connecting according to each others love script
A) Avoid hint-dropping and passive aggressive behavior. Just come out and tell your partner straightforward what you need from him in order to feel loved, and explain a bit about why you feel this way if you can. Don’t assume she already knows. It’s best if both of you read these pages and complete the surveys included later on.
B) Give suggestions and gentle reminders but don’t nag or command. One of the primary complaints in these situations is that it doesn’t feel genuine if the other partner feels bullied into doing it. This defeats the underlying purpose. So be clear about what you’d like, but don’t spell out specifics or make demands. Some of it needs to be left to him or her.
C) One trick that might work is for you to give your partner a “helper.” This can be a friend or someone in the family. Explain the situation and assign them the role of coach. This way there’s a third party to provide direction and reminders, which keeps the spontaneity alive.
D) Make each other “love script” posters and stick them in a couple places throughout the house as a reminder. It may sound corny, but the constant reminder can actually make a big difference.
As stated earlier, love scripts are like fingerprints, and each one is unique. The following pages will discuss general themes to these scripts that are likely to help you discover what moves your own partner. But they are not absolutes. Some people may have a love-script that’s quite unique and unlike anything listed here, while most people are likely to find some combination of these styles important. The point is to try and figure out what different things make your partner feel loved, not try to stick them into a label or category.