What To Say and Not To Say To Someone Considering Suicide

The next two sections will explore talking points that can help bring a suicidal person back from the edge. But in order to get to that stage, it’s important you know what to say and what not to say. A well-intentioned but callous statement can close down dialogue completely, and many of the typical gut reactions people display can make things worse rather than better.

Suicide myth: You should never use the word suicide in talking with someone who is on the edge.

Fact: Using the word “suicide” won’t make things worse. In fact, talking very matter-of-factly about the subject can often decrease the likelihood that someone will kill themselves.

Don’t act shocked or react in an emotional way

Any type of emotional or distressed reaction will put distance between you and them. So hard as it may be, you need to try and keep your cool, responding in a calm, rational manner.

Avoid debates

Suicides aren’t entirely rational decisions, so avoid getting into a debate about this person’s problems and the conclusion they formed that death is the best way to deal with it. Whether you believe these problems are serious or not is besides the point. They’re intolerable to the person considering suicide, and that’s all that matters. Trying to debate the logic of it all is a losing battle, and one that will leave you coming off as insensitive. So . . .

• Don’t argue about the morality of suicide and whether such an action is right or wrong.
• Don’t try to lecture about the value and sanctity of life.
• DO recognize that suicide is an option at their disposal, whether you consider it a viable solution or not.

Do not say: “What a stupid thing to talk about” or “that’s a really dumb idea”

These types of statements trivialize the person’s pain and insult them at the same time. To the person considering suicide, it isn’t a dumb or trivial decision at all. It’s a very legitimate option when others seem to have failed. Saying that considering suicide is a “stupid thing to do” will instantly close down communication, because it sends the message that you couldn’t possibly understand how it feels to be in their shoes. It may also have the unintended effect of egging a person on.

Do not say: “Well go ahead and do it then”

This statement is typically uttered by a frustrated parent or loved one who doesn’t think the suicidal person is serious. For many thousands of people, these were the last words ever spoken to that person. You should never encourage a distraught person to commit suicide, not even in a joking way. There’s a chance they may be bluffing, (or more accurately, crying out for help), but there’s also a chance that your antagonism may be the final tipping point that drives them to show you just how serious they are.

Regardless of how serious they are, such a statement tells them in no uncertain terms that you don’t care, that their life means nothing to you. They’ll fail to see the reverse psychology in such a statement. Being told by someone close to you to go ahead and just kill yourself often severs that last little thread they were holding on by. All suicidal ideations are cries for help, and should never be responded to so insensitively.

Do not say: “How could you do that to your family?” or “Don’t you understand what that would do to your parents?” or “Try to think about other people besides yourself.”

These types of statements reveal that you don’t understand the desperation they feel, and will only add to a person’s torment. You’ve essentially just accused them of being shallow (assuming they’ve never given a thought to the aftermath of this decision) and selfish or uncaring (there you go again, only thinking about yourself). Since many suicides are driven by a sense that nobody understands their situation, it’s just one more insult on top of countless injuries. This won’t make them suddenly see the light; it will only worsen their situation. Here’s a news flash: someone in this state of mind has thought about the consequences, they have felt guilty about how it might affect loved ones, and yet the despair continues to outweigh it all. It’s not that they’re thrilled with this option and enjoy imagining their life ending on this note; they merely don’t see any other way to end the pain.

Don’t allow yourself to be sworn to secrecy

Promise the person that your lips are sealed and that you won’t spill your guts or speak a word about this to anyone else unless it is absolutely necessary, and that the content of your conversations is confidential. But tell them you can’t swear to total secrecy if you feel that they are in imminent danger.

Talking About Suicide: Getting A Person to Open Up and Reading Between the Lines

It’s sad, but we live in a world of false pretenses. From a young age, children are taught many messages that alienate them from their true nature and cause them to become deeply ashamed about particular aspects of who and what they are. As kids grow older, the shame and condemnation they are exposed to only increases. They see how we persecute those who are different on television shows, and learn how having certain struggles can earn you eternal ostracism. They hear the things people say about others behind their back, and can watch how quickly people are to pounce upon any weakness or failing in others. The end result is that by the time a child is a teenager; their psyche is surrounded in a web of false pretenses and defense mechanisms. Like the rest of us, they’re not allowed to be human anymore: they’ve already established a thick false shell that they hide their true feelings behind.

So understand that even as you engage in these discussions with a suicidal person, there may still be many things he or she isn’t telling you. It sometimes takes therapists as long as a year of regular sessions (sometimes more) to get a person to open up about the true source of inner turmoil. This is especially true when it comes to issues of sexuality, which happen to be the primary contributor to most teen suicides.

Not only does this mean people may not be completely forthright about what is actually bothering them, but it often means these shame-inducing issues which they are reluctant to talk about have been blown out of proportion. The person is overestimating the degree of condemnation that they would actually face, judging themselves harsher than others might.

How to get a loved one to open up to you

There are several things you can do to convey a non-judgmental atmosphere and make it more likely that a person will open up to you:

1. One way to break down the barrier a little faster is to tell them stories about others and offer up comments. In this way you can volunteer your non-judgmental opinion about certain issues, rather than have them systematically test you in a million different ways to see if you’re someone who can be trusted with their deepest, darkest secrets without judging them.
2. Remember that any suicidal person, but teens especially, can be quick to sense a critical or condemning tone even when none was intended. So be sure your remarks don’t come off as angry, irritated, or impatient. As the same time, nod your head in agreement often and do your best to convey a sympathetic tone through body language.
3. Tell them stories of your own struggles as a teen or in life, if appropriate. By making yourself vulnerable like this, you make it easier for them to open up about their own vulnerabilities.
4. At every opportunity you have, make comments about how sad and irritating it is that people are so quick to judge and condemn one another.
5. If you’re a parent dealing with a suicidal child, you need to recognize that there are some things teens simply can’t trust you with. Like most parents, you’ve burnt those bridges beyond repair years ago. Through their actions, most parents have made sexuality a taboo, shame-ridden, and deeply embarrassing thing to discuss. The problem, these bridges you burned happen to be the #1 path to teen suicides; the universal distress that dwarfs all others. This is why it’s important you find a way to make others available to your child. Even if they give you another reason for their distress, assume they might not be able to talk about it with you, and then get them people they can talk to.

Talking To Someone Who Is Suicidal

The discussions you have with someone who is thinking about suicide needn’t follow any set script, but you should try and touch upon the following subjects of conversation:

What problems are you having?

This simple, non-judgmental statement should start off the conversation. Not “what’s your problem?” or “your problems can’t be that bad,” just a simple, non-judgmental inquiry into the struggles they are facing.

How long has this been building?

How long have you been thinking about this? Is there something that recently happened, or is it a bunch of smaller issues that have just progressively gotten worse? By asking them how long they’ve been mulling over this thought, you can get a better idea about the nature of the crisis.

If the answer is not long, then…

• Don’t you suppose life could change for the better just as fast as it changed for the worse?
• Is this one crisis really so big that it should end your life?
• How long do you feel is an appropriate time to wait in order to allow things a chance to get better?

If it’s been building for some time, then…

• It must not be any particular thing, but the accumulation of many negative things. Could fixing just some of these problems tilt things back in a positive direction? How many would need to be fixed?
• If some issues can’t be immediately rectified, are there ways to better deal with them? What about ways to balance out the pain with more positive experiences?

Do you feel there’s something wrong with you individually, or is it just circumstances?

People who become suicidal often believe that their problems are intractable – something that emerges because of who they are rather than the circumstances they are experiencing.

They may believe that there’s a part of them that is fundamentally wrong (sexual identity issues?) or inadequate (I’m too ugly to ever find love) or that they are simply built in a way that will prevent them from ever being happy (too sensitive, too attuned to the problems of the world) and so on. If a person believes that there is some aspect of themselves that is simply incompatible with the world, you need to find this out and try to erode such a belief. Talking about specific problems until you’re blue in the face won’t make a bit of difference if the suicidal person believes that inherent flaws in themselves are what create these problems.

If they mention anything or engage in a discussion on this topic, you should. . .

1. Listen carefully and non-judgmentally, encouraging them to explain what they feel about themselves is wrong and why they are different.
2. Don’t argue their conclusions outright, but challenge them passively. For example, if a teen insists she is ugly, you might respond with something like, “it’s shocking to hear you say that, because I’ve always thought you had a special kind of unique beauty about you. I know other people who think so too. So what leads you to the conclusion that you’re ugly?” This way you’re not openly calling her belief silly, but you’re still challenging it and directing the conversation towards how these ideas were implanted.
3. Don’t try to insinuate that these traits are common or that everyone feels the same way as she does. It’s not true, and it only reinforces the idea that something is wrong with them. After all, if everyone feels these things but only she is suicidal, then there must be something screwy in her head that makes her want to die over things everyone feels. You should, however, point out that everyone at one time or another has their own unique set of qualities that seems to create conflict with the world. There are people who are narcissists, some people are highly sensitive, others struggle with depression, each person has different insecurities, and so on. Then talk about what qualities in themselves are giving them trouble and encourage them to think about how this might sway their thoughts

What do you hope to accomplish?

To someone considering suicide, death is a solution to the problems they are experiencing. So to understand their frame of mind, you want to understand what they believe this solution will accomplish for them. It can be as simple as putting an end to the pain or as complex as believing that by removing themselves from the equation it might unburden family members to live a happier life free from the responsibilities of caring for them. It might be a way for an isolated teen to shock others into noticing them – a sort of “they’ll be sorry when I’m gone” or “I’ll make them notice me” type of scenario. Each of these scenarios presents a different set of symptoms.

As you discuss what they hope to accomplish by committing suicide, you should also try to work in talking points such as . . .

• What do you think happens when you die? Do they believe in an afterlife and plan to go to heaven? Becoming a free spirit to wander the universe? Or do they view death as simply an abrupt end and eternal darkness?

• If they were wrong about this belief, would it change their thoughts about killing themselves?

• How do you expect others to react? If they were to react differently, would this change things?

• If such and such issues in your life were to be resolved, would you still be considering suicide?

What are the ripple effects?

Without lecturing them about how their suicide might hurt others, have a discussion to help them envision the consequences; not just immediately but far into the future…5 years, 10 years, and so on. How would it alter the Universe in terms of any future children they might had, the lives those kids might have lived, and any good that might have been accomplished?

If it’s a young person, ask them to imagine their ideal mate, the one they might meet and marry 10 years from now, and how disappointed that person would be to lose the love of their life before they even met. How different that person’s life would be. It’s a non-judgmental way to try and get them thinking about the potential consequences beyond the immediate and present.

Help them see depression as a separate condition

Talk to them about how the brain works. About how certain chemicals can work to keep us from thinking clearly, or how self-reinforcing cycles can start in our head that make things seem worse than they really are. Try to help them see depression and despair and mental illness in general as a condition to be treated, much like you would a cold.